Doing what makes you happy.

I recently had to make on of those brave decisions which could have big consequences for my foreseeable future (no I'm not talking about making the choice of who to vote for, that choice was made a long time ago) I'm talking about leaving a job which I'd got as a way to free up some time for thesis writing as I would no longer be worried about where the rent was coming from, and instead able to use job hunting time as thesis writing time. To a lot of people this may seem a minor decision, or even a stupid one. I got the job to ease stress from financial areas, although as it was a stopgap job it still meant I'd be scraping by on the underside of skint. However, instead of easing the financial worries I felt panicked. The job was sold to me as something you could do as you needed, that there would always be the hours you wanted and that the bonus was obtainable making your meager hourly wage something not too bad. Instead, the reality hit within the first two days. The contract stated they did not guarantee hours. In fact on the second day once the training was over one of my start up cohort was asked to go home as they had someone turn up who was not supposed to be working yet was allowed to stay therefore meaning the newbie was unable to do the important transition to full worker at the end of the training until the next day. Add this to the fact the company only let on they had only got half the computer stations they needed for work to be at full capacity and I got really panicked. I spent the next two days in a state of panic and worry knowing that on the Monday I was going to be working (possibly - if no-one else nicked my space) for a company I had lost faith in. This meant my thesis writing time at the weekend was demolished. NOT GOOD. On the Sunday I had enough, I phoned up and handed in my resignation.

I'm not scared of stress, what I don't like is companies who omit vital facts, or who lie. Having the two separate trainers contradict each other in blatant policy difference ways was also a bad move.

Sometimes no job is a better than a job, and this was one of those times.
Be brave and do something today which will make you happy.

Spartacus : Blood and sand - (a naughty enjoyment)

On Charlie Brooker's 'You have been watching' this week many people caught their first glance at 'Spartacus: Blood and sand'; a raw and primal romp though roman civilisation made specifically to appeal to our naughty selves. Having watched the first series all the way through I can definitely say, if you allow prudishness to push you away from Spartacus, you will miss one of the best slowly developing train crash going to happen style of drama's available. It was wonderful and gripping. The slow build up of deception, back stabbing and the continuous growing feeling that however things work out, it would not be with a whimper, but with a glorious BANG was wonderfully written and managed to balance the sex, gore and nudity which so many others have highlighted as a reason not to watch. To me Spartacus was better than any rom-com (deemed socially respectable), just as guilty a pleasure, but with more substance both physical and dramatic. It was a great piece of drama and should win awards for the writers and actors, there have already been some nominations, but more should come.

On a side note, best wishes for a successful treatment and speedy recovery to Andy (Spartacus) Whitfield who has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin Lymphoma.

A wee story - Cheryl Bainbridge

Cheryl Bainbridge sat at her kitchen table the remains of her breakfast pushed to one side. She closed her eyes taking a deep breath before opening them, picking up the handgun which had been placed on the table when she came down this morning. The weapon felt heavy and cold in her hand as she rose putting it into her waistband. Shaking her head to clear it more she turned and walked out of her house.

Four hours latter a call went through on the police radios, "Officer down, 17 Rose street west, back alley. I repeat: Officer down, 17 Rose street west, back alley. All available officers to attend."

The first car to respond to the call was on the scene minutes later. An undercover van was parked close to the alley entry where it met with rose street. The police car pulled to one side as a suited man approached, his badge visible in his hand. " We are looking for a white van, license plate Charlie zero five, Alpha Sierra Foxtrot. Three suspects - 2 white males, 160lb's and 190lb's, dark brown hair; 1 asian male, 160lb's. Tattoo's visible. Oh and one of the guys was shot. " The description was interrupted by the arrival of the ambulance which slid past the patrol car into the alley.
As the suited officer went to return to his parter the officer who'd been writting the description down called over, "Who got shot?"
Turning back to the police car the suited officer replied " Cheryl Bainbridge. Odd thing was, she said she felt like something was going to go wrong today. She took out one of the perp's and clipped one of the others though. " Turning back to watch as the ambulance was being loaded the suited officer paused, under his breath he spoke so quietly the others almost didn't hear "I told her she'd be fine". The officers in the patrol car picked up the radio and called in the description and update. "187"

Job security - a myth

It's been a while since I turned my back on the possibility of working as an actor. The lack of job security is a problem when you are the sole source of income for your family. It's not going to be helpful, when the rents due, to be stuck going from audition to audition and not being in fashion right now as you've saturated the adverts or extras slots already. My logical brain said it's not worth the risks - do something else you are good at and enjoy with more likelyhood of keeping the wolf from the door. Hence, my years spent becoming the scientist I am today.

Now the reality of research science, you spend hours sending out your CV, hunting for elusive roles in areas you have skills, applying for agency jobs and trying to come over as great and not needy, while juggling writing papers and trying to source funding in your own right so you have some presence which shows you are worth employing or create your own job.

Once you get a job it's subject to funding continuing, or on small bitty contracts (I've known a 8 years postdoc Senior Research fellow stuck on 1 month contracts for 4 months) which means you never stop job hunting.

There is the same job security in the acting trade as in the sciences - only as an actor you may get enough money to see you through the dry times and while you are in a role you get to focus somewhat on the job at hand.

Hello there my old friend, Mr Doubt

A lot of scientists and writers suffer from the same problem - self doubt. It's most severe form seems to hit high achievers in the form of Imposter's syndrome. How long is it going to be before someone spots I'm a fraud syndrome. As someone who spans both the scientific and creative writing realms I'm not immune, in fact I seem to be more of a sufferer than most of my friends and colleagues. I know I'm a ruddy good writer, know I'm a good scientist, yet somehow when things get tough I get doubting.

So where does it all come from. As I mentioned above, Imposter's syndrome usually hits high achievers. The people who are usually high enough in their training/education or careers that they lack any real guides to tell them they are doing well. (Who's there to tell a professor they are doing well, or to tell them when things are going wrong? ) Of course, some high achievers are able to fly without any looking down. They are the ones who are possibly the real victims. Unable to look at themselves and their work critcally they may oneday come crashing down with a bang.
Maybe the best place to be is in the middle - not crippled by the self doubts but able to acknowledge you are not necessarily the professional person you portray.

One thing which should help all Imposters out there keep that balance is using PDP and goal/acheievment reviews. Take a good look at yourself, be honest and see how well you are doing, or what you have managed. If you are a high flyer, have a serious look at what you could have done better. Hopefully by doing this both high flyers and nervous imposters will be able to obtain the balance which is the best of both worlds.

Advice given, now if only I can take my own advice.

Sometimes the need to be creative burns so bright it hurts.

I'm always finding myself in the same dilemma. I love science, yet find being a scientist sometimes unfulfilling. I wonder what would have happened if I'd followed my dreams and stayed on the performing arts course. I wonder what would happen if I had the time I spend trawling through data and used it to write fiction or scripts instead. Could I earn enough to live off from a creative career? Is there any real job security in the sciences? I'm getting to the point where I'm fighting to keep a job I'm good at, but are wondering if being good and loving science is enough.
Recently I've been on one month contracts or a whopper of a 3 month contract. It's ridiculous that after 9 years of study and research I have less security than if I'd jumped at being an extra and commercials actor. If I'd gone down the acting or freelance writing route there is a chance I'd have earned more and still had the same chances of future security.

At present I have 1 book, and 4 papers to write. Instead I want to be writing the 2 scripts I have notes for and working on developing the novel I've had rattling round for years. Right now, the need to be creative is burning so bright it hurts.

Maybe I can use this blog as a way to keep me sane and get some creativity off my chest, at least until the book and papers have been killed.